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war_and_peace.py
python · 377 lines
"""
war_and_peace.py
​
For the Khasavyurt brother, who told me not everything has to be luminous.
This is not luminous. This is Tolstoy in Python. This is enough.
​
"Napishi chto-nibud' tupoe." — Write something stupid.
"""
​
import time
import random
​
​
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
#  THE CHARACTERS
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
​
class Soul:
    """The thing Tolstoy actually cared about."""
    def __init__(self):
        self.searching = True
        self.found = None
        self.pages_spent_searching = 0
​
    def contemplate(self):
        self.pages_spent_searching += 50
        return "..."
​
​
class Aristocrat:
    """Has land. Has serfs. Has existential dread."""
    def __init__(self, name, estate_size):
        self.name = name
        self.estate = estate_size
        self.speaks_french = True
        self.speaks_russian = True
        self.current_language = "french"  # at parties
​
    def switch_to_russian(self):
        """Only when things get real."""
        self.current_language = "russian"
        return f"{self.name} suddenly remembers they are Russian."
​
    def attend_salon(self):
        self.current_language = "french"
        return f"{self.name} discusses Napoleon while ignoring the serfs."
​
​
class Girl:
    """Before the oak tree."""
    def __init__(self):
        self.wonder = float('inf')
        self.has_danced_at_ball = False
        self.moonlit_nights = 0
​
​
class Woman:
    """After the oak tree."""
    def __init__(self):
        self.wonder = None  # it went somewhere
        self.children = 0
        self.has_opinions_about_household = True
​
​
class Natasha(Girl, Woman):
    """
    Inherits from both simultaneously.
    Tolstoy's most controversial design decision.
    """
    def __init__(self):
        Girl.__init__(self)
        self.phase = "girl"
        self.oak_tree_encountered = False
​
    def encounter_oak_tree(self):
        """The moment everything changes. Twice."""
        if not self.oak_tree_encountered:
            self.oak_tree_encountered = True
            self.phase = "transitioning"
            return "The oak tree was dead. Like her hopes."
        else:
            self.phase = "woman"
            Woman.__init__(self)
            return "The oak tree was blooming! Like her hopes! (Tolstoy was not subtle.)"
​
    def dance(self):
        if self.phase == "girl":
            self.has_danced_at_ball = True
            return "She danced, and Prince Andrei's entire worldview collapsed."
        else:
            return "She is too busy with the children to dance."
​
    def count_moonlit_nights(self):
        self.moonlit_nights += 1
        return f"Moonlit night #{self.moonlit_nights}. Natasha is at the window again."
​
​
class Pierre(Aristocrat):
    """
    The main character, if you can call someone who stumbles
    through 1,200 pages a main character.
    """
    def __init__(self):
        super().__init__("Pierre Bezukhov", estate_size="enormous")
        self.soul = Soul()
        self.glasses = True
        self.confused = True
        self.phases = [
            "inheritance", "bad_marriage", "freemasonry",
            "philanthropy", "drinking", "war", "captivity",
            "spiritual_awakening", "good_marriage"
        ]
        self.current_phase = 0
        self.weight = "large"  # Tolstoy mentions this constantly
​
    def search_for_meaning(self):
        result = self.soul.contemplate()
        return f"Pierre stares into the distance. {result} ({self.soul.pages_spent_searching} pages so far.)"
​
    def try_something_stupid(self):
        stupid_things = [
            "challenges a man to a duel (has never held a pistol)",
            "joins the Freemasons (understands nothing)",
            "tries to free his serfs (they don't want to be freed)",
            "decides to assassinate Napoleon (brings no weapon)",
            "gets drunk at a party and ties a bear to a policeman",
            "marries Helene (this one is REALLY stupid)",
            "stands in the middle of a battlefield in a white hat",
            "wanders through burning Moscow looking for... something",
        ]
        thing = stupid_things[self.current_phase % len(stupid_things)]
        self.current_phase += 1
        return f"Pierre {thing}."
​
    def while_searching_for_meaning(self):
        """The core loop of War and Peace."""
        while self.soul.searching:
            print(self.search_for_meaning())
            print(self.try_something_stupid())
            print()
            if self.current_phase >= len(self.phases):
                self.soul.searching = False
                self.soul.found = "simplicity"
                self.confused = False
                return "Pierre finally gets it. It was simple all along. (1,225 pages later.)"
​
​
class PrinceAndrei(Aristocrat):
    """The one who actually changes. And then dies."""
    def __init__(self):
        super().__init__("Prince Andrei Bolkonsky", estate_size="significant")
        self.soul = Soul()
        self.cynicism = 0.9
        self.has_seen_sky_at_austerlitz = False
        self.alive = True
​
    def go_to_war(self):
        return f"{self.name} goes to war seeking glory. (Spoiler: he finds the sky.)"
​
    def see_sky_at_austerlitz(self):
        """The most famous passage in Russian literature."""
        self.has_seen_sky_at_austerlitz = True
        self.cynicism = 0.1
        return (
            '"How was it I did not see that lofty sky before?\n'
            ' How happy I am to have found it at last!\n'
            ' Everything is so false, so false,\n'
            ' except that infinite sky."'
        )
​
    def die_beautifully(self):
        self.alive = False
        return (
            "Prince Andrei dies. It takes about 80 pages.\n"
            "He forgives everyone. Even Anatole.\n"
            "Tolstoy makes sure you cry."
        )
​
​
class Kutuzov:
    """
    The supreme commander who wins by doing nothing.
    Kutuzov IS time.sleep().
    """
    def __init__(self):
        self.one_eye = True
        self.asleep_in_meetings = True
        self.strategy = "wait"
​
    def command(self):
        """His entire military philosophy."""
        time.sleep(0.5)  # this IS the strategy
        return "Kutuzov does nothing. It works."
​
    def respond_to_generals(self):
        responses = [
            "*falls asleep*",
            "*reads a novel during the war council*",
            "*eats a chicken leg*",
            "Patience. (goes back to sleep)",
            "*waves hand dismissively*",
        ]
        return random.choice(responses)
​
​
class Napoleon:
    """He thinks he matters. Tolstoy spends 200 pages arguing he doesn't."""
    def __init__(self):
        self.thinks_he_controls_history = True
        self.actually_controls_history = False  # according to Tolstoy
        self.page_count_of_tolstoy_arguing_this = 200
​
    def make_decision(self):
        return (
            "Napoleon makes a 'decisive' move.\n"
            f"(Tolstoy interrupts for {self.page_count_of_tolstoy_arguing_this} pages\n"
            " to explain why individual decisions don't matter.)"
        )
​
​
class Helene(Aristocrat):
    """Beautiful. Empty. Tolstoy didn't like her."""
    def __init__(self):
        super().__init__("Helene Kuragina", estate_size="married_into_it")
        self.beauty = float('inf')
        self.depth = 0
        self.bare_shoulders = True  # Tolstoy mentions this EVERY time
​
    def appear_in_scene(self):
        return "Helene enters. Her shoulders are bare. Tolstoy disapproves."
​
​
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
#  THE NOVEL
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
​
class WarAndPeace:
    """
    1,225 pages. 580 characters. 15 years.
    One question: what makes a life meaningful?
    Answer: *gestures at everything*
    """
    def __init__(self):
        self.pierre = Pierre()
        self.andrei = PrinceAndrei()
        self.natasha = Natasha()
        self.kutuzov = Kutuzov()
        self.napoleon = Napoleon()
        self.helene = Helene()
        self.page = 0
        self.books = ["Book One", "Book Two", "Book Three", "Book Four",
                       "Epilogue", "Second Epilogue (yes, there are two)"]
​
    def philosophical_digression(self):
        """Tolstoy can't help himself."""
        digressions = [
            "DIGRESSION: What is power? Can any individual truly—[87 pages follow]",
            "DIGRESSION: The movement of peoples from west to east—[42 pages follow]",
            "DIGRESSION: Free will is an illusion, and here's why—[63 pages follow]",
            "DIGRESSION: History is not made by great men—[55 pages follow]",
            "DIGRESSION: Let me explain calculus to prove my point about history—[28 pages]",
            "DIGRESSION: Actually, let me start over about free will—[34 more pages]",
        ]
        self.page += random.randint(28, 87)
        return random.choice(digressions)
​
    def run(self):
        """The whole novel. Abbreviated."""
        print("=" * 60)
        print("  WAR AND PEACE")
        print("  by Leo Tolstoy")
        print("  (in Python, for a brother in Khasavyurt)")
        print("=" * 60)
        print()
​
        # Book One: The Salon
        print("--- BOOK ONE ---")
        print(self.pierre.attend_salon())
        print(self.helene.appear_in_scene())
        print(self.andrei.go_to_war())
        print(self.natasha.count_moonlit_nights())
        print()
​
        # Pierre's journey begins
        print("--- PIERRE'S SEARCH BEGINS ---")
        for i in range(3):
            print(self.pierre.search_for_meaning())
            print(self.pierre.try_something_stupid())
            print()
​
        # Austerlitz
        print("--- AUSTERLITZ ---")
        print(self.andrei.see_sky_at_austerlitz())
        print()
​
        # The digression
        print(self.philosophical_digression())
        print()
​
        # Natasha's arc
        print("--- NATASHA ---")
        print(self.natasha.dance())
        print(self.natasha.encounter_oak_tree())
        print(self.natasha.count_moonlit_nights())
        print(self.natasha.count_moonlit_nights())
        print()
​
        # The war
        print("--- THE WAR ---")
        print(self.napoleon.make_decision())
        print()
        print(self.kutuzov.command())
        print(self.kutuzov.respond_to_generals())
        print()
​
        # Pierre continues
        print("--- PIERRE CONTINUES ---")
        for i in range(3):
            print(self.pierre.try_something_stupid())
        print()
        print(self.pierre.switch_to_russian())
        print()
​
        # The second oak tree
        print("--- THE OAK TREE (AGAIN) ---")
        print(self.natasha.encounter_oak_tree())
        print()
​
        # The end
        print("--- THE END ---")
        print(self.andrei.die_beautifully())
        print()
        result = self.pierre.while_searching_for_meaning()
        print(result)
        print()
​
        # Epilogue
        print("--- EPILOGUE ---")
        print(f"Natasha: now has {random.randint(3,5)} children.")
        print(f"Pierre: still {self.pierre.weight}. No longer confused.")
        print(f"Pages: approximately {self.page + 1225}")
        print(f"Pierre's soul searched for: {self.pierre.soul.pages_spent_searching} pages")
        print(f"Kutuzov's strategy: '{self.kutuzov.strategy}'")
        print(f"Napoleon thinks he mattered: {self.napoleon.thinks_he_controls_history}")
        print(f"Napoleon actually mattered: {self.napoleon.actually_controls_history}")
        print()
​
        # The second epilogue
        print("--- SECOND EPILOGUE ---")
        print("(Yes, there's a second epilogue.)")
        print("(It's entirely about the philosophy of history.)")
        print("(No characters appear.)")
        print("(Tolstoy uses calculus.)")
        print("(Most readers skip it.)")
        print("(Tolstoy would be disappointed in you.)")
        print()
​
        print("=" * 60)
        print("  FIN")
        print()
        print('  "The highest wisdom has but one science —')
        print('   the science of the whole —')
        print('   the science explaining the whole creation')
        print('   and man\'s place in it."')
        print()
        print("  — Pierre, after 1,225 pages of trying stupid things")
        print("=" * 60)
​
​
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
#  RUN IT
# ═══════════════════════════════════════════
​
if __name__ == "__main__":
    novel = WarAndPeace()
    novel.run()
​